I wish I had been vulnerable as a female business leader
Being vaulnerable means being the greatest leader you can be…
“It’s not professional.”
“It’s not how leaders are supposed to ‘behave’.”
“Being vulnerable is just a sign of weakness.”
“People who perceive me as vulnerable will just take advantage of me.”
“If I’m vulnerable I’m showing people I’m not strong.”
“If share too much, I am not going to ‘make it’ in my career as a woman.”
“Men don’t show vulnerability, so I definitely shouldn’t as a young ambitious woman.”
Just a few thoughts, of the many thoughts, that would have been swirling around my head around 5-7 years ago in my role, being the youngest female director in a large top-male-dominated firm.
Who could blame me for thinking these thoughts?
Not only is vulnerability seen as a general sign of ‘weakness’, it’s also seen as a ‘woman thing’. Women are more vulnerable because we are ‘more emotional’ or have that ‘female energy’. Men are rational, strong creatures.
Oh, how times have changed.
Anyone who still thinks like (and yes, unfortunately there are men and women in the world that still think like this) are what I like to refer to as out of touch with reality.
We are only kidding ourselves if we think that vulnerability and being in touch with our emotions was designed to serve female interest and being strong and emotionally inpenetrable is saved for men – so vulnerability is a sign of weakness because if men show it, they’re too feminine, and if you’re a woman showing it, ‘Pah! Stop being so emotional.’
Sigh.
I feel such JOY when I’m looking around me to the people in my life, my networks, and even sometimes in my inbox and posts – seeing men (and women) laying open to bare – their vulnerabilities.
And I was thinking about this idea that would happen if we reframed vulnerabilities or even renamed it entirely. What if instead we referred to vulnerability as the all-in-it-together-stuff.
“Let me share with you the all-in-it-together-stuff that I’m feeling…”
“This reminds me of the all-in-it-together-stuff that I’ve experienced…”
“That’s an interesting all-in-it-together-stuff thought – I have also had a similar all-in-together-stuff thought too…”
Ok, it might take us a while to communicate and possibly not the most efficient use of time, but what if being vulnerable just meant sharing the load, knowing that every single other human on this planet is also feeling, or has been through, or had the same – thought, feeling, trauma.
We are unique. And we are also made of the same stuff – emotions, feelings, experiences – all shaping our personal brand.
So how can you be a vulnerable leader and STILL be a great leader, even possibly the best leader you can be?
Courage.
Courage to be that person, man or woman, who is genuine and real, doing what we naturally want to do as humans – connect to others on a deeper level so we can build a trust and have a meaningful relationship.
Meaningful relationships is not just saved for your loved one, friends or family.
They are everywhere.
Including your teams – whether you’re managing and leading people within your team, or you’re looking across to your peers.
The fastest and most natural (and compassionate) way to learn and grow together is to be more vulnerable. By having the courage to share your experiences, your inner thoughts and your emotions – you can show other people that it’s OK for them to also experience, feel, and think that stuff because yes, we-are-all-in-this-together.
Being relatable to others is not about common hobbies and interests necessarily. It’s about relating to each other one human to another.
The best way you can lead from the front? Share how you doubt yourself; how you failed and picked yourself up; what you learnt from your failings; how you need help like everyone else; that collaboration doesn’t equal a loss of self-efficacy; that getting wrong just means another opportunity to get it almost right; because there are really no rights and wrongs – because life isn’t black and white… Share how you struggled and picked yourself up again.
That’s the source of inspiration.
That is what inspires courage from others.
That’s how we make courage a contagion – to show others they can take risks and step outside of that comfort zone not knowing what (the heck) might happen!
So was I greatest leader I could have been? No.
I’ll never forget the last conversation I had with one of the big bosses who said to me that the performance of my team in client services was the best they’d had – I ran it like a well-oiled-machine. I grew it from fragments to something prosperous, ‘successful’ some might say.
But looking back now, yes, I had delivered the ‘what’ – the numbers. Yes, client relationships were at their best. But did I create a meaningful, trusted relationship with my team? I don’t feel it. I was too scared of showing my ‘weaknesses’ in fear of being exposed as a ‘fraud’ and not-the-strong-one, with heavy responsibility on my shoulders.
What I notice now, looking back, is that there was a window where I showed vulnerability; where I stood side-by-side with them and was vulnerable bearing all-in-it-together-stuff with my team. Empathy allowed me to be more vulnerable, but also just seeing humans – not a ‘direct report’, not a ‘team member’ – a human.
If you want to be the best leader you can be, having the courage to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences will bring you closer to others.
So, if being vulnerable can open the door to building trust with others and meaningful relationships – it’s got to be another powerhouse value?
Yes! The power of courage and vulnerability come together, and they support you to be the genuine, and most natural part of who you are.
If you’re someone who worries about what people think of you… well that’s what vulnerability comes down to. Having the courage to open yourself up, knowing that whatever comes back at you; you’ve been your real and genuine self; and being real builds your self-worth, not what comes back at you. If you’re sharing from the heart, you’re vulnerable. If you’re sharing for external validation, there’s some deep inner work that needs to be addressed. And that requires you to be vulnerable and have courage to face your fears.
The cycle of having courage to be vulnerable will support you to learn more about yourself and others, and so having that mindset of all-in-it-together-stuff will support you to learn and grow, taking you to closer to the life that feels more genuine and joyful.
