I am not angry, my brother. I love you.
And, I’m here for you.
Relationships are complicated. Especially those within your immediate family. What’s the saying?
“You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”
Whooof, ain’t that the truth. I come from a family of very loving people. My mother is the a-typical mediterranean mother – give, give, give and my dad is the patriarch – protect, protect, protect. Aunts, uncles, grandparents – all reflective of this within their gender-specific roles. Of course times are changing now, but this was my reality as a kid growing up first-generation born in London to immigrant parents.
I’ve been reflecting a lot about what the role is of a sibling. Especially when I think about my relationship with my brother. I’m not sure what his role was in my growing-up. And I’m not sure he would know how to describe his symbolic responsibility for me.
I’ve never thought about what I would have wanted him to represent to me.
Guide?
Co-learner of life?
Teacher of birds and bees?
Fun-sports-buddy-in-the-garden?
Play-play-play?
Could have been any of those things, but I definitely didn’t want another dad, or Baba, as we would say. One baba – grateful. Two Babas – scary.
Needless to say, I grew up alongside my brother very confused about his role. And resentful. Even angry. I know that I didn’t need another baba, but I did need some of the potential options above.
And in all my years of growing anger and resentment, I have now got to the point where maybe my ‘oldness’ has softened me up. But I’m not angry anymore. I feel sad.
There were many difficult and deep reasons as to why we were not close as young adults. Once I had the choice to to have a relationship or not, I decided, no. For a long, long time. I barely spoke to my brother in my twenties. He wasn’t invited to my wedding (married, divorced – another story for another time). And now at 38, I could probably count on my two hands the number of times I’ve seen him since I turned 18.
And the sad thing is, that after not seeing my brother for about 4 years, he had a heartache at 35 and nearly died. My mum, called me in floods of tears. I’ll never forget that moment. And I booked our flights to Cyprus and got on the first plane we could. I remember even at that time thinking, “I’m going for you, not him.”
I had become a block of ice when it came to my brother. Feelings-less.
When the second heart attack happened three years later, I was still unfeeling. I didn’t go with my mum this time as work was crazy (or I guess that was my prioritisation at the time…) and I continued feelings-less.
Gosh, anger is a strong emotion, but it’s also the greatest magician inside of us. It can create and disappear behaviours in a flash. Without a second thought.
And that for me has been the turning point.
Thoughts.
Reflection.
More thoughts.
More reflection.
I had programmed myself – my behaviours, my thoughts and beliefs about him. And I now can see that it was wrong of me.
What was it holding me? Of course, anger.
My reflections about my relationship with my brother have only really come to the surface in the last few years. There’s an amalgamation of things that helped me to let go of anger, and of course, it’s double-sided, but you can still be angry even when someone has ‘changed’ or is perceived to change. Even with the greatest will in the world, and all the sorrys from them – if anger is your strongest emotion, then all other emotions are likely to fall short when it comes to your values-based choices in your behaviours.
And I have realised that I became my own baba – protect, protect, protect. Possibly picked up from the greater baba in question.
How did I reframe anger into any other emotion? Trust me, I would never (ever ever) have said that I could forgive. And so with no forgiveness, anger truly is a one way street.
The thing that reframed my anger was my journey to becoming a Coach. I studied and practiced, day-in and day-out – empathy. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. Seeing and feeling the world from their eyes. What a powerful thing it is – empathy. I teach this as a Coach-trainer:
You can make a profound connection to someone if you be present for them in a place of true empathy and without judgement.
The saddest part of this short recount of a long and complex part of my sibling relationship is that there was a period when our relationship was starting to get better. We were rebuilding part of a foundation and had one leg in each. Wobbly, bit fragile. Could come down at any moment. In this time, my brother confided in me something truly horrifying that he had experienced. And I wasn’t there for him. I didn’t show empathy, compassion, or even my presence. I avoided, didn’t answer his calls. I was even angry that he would ‘put that’ on me.
But now, 4 years later and without anger and with empathy, I ask for forgiveness. And I say, I am here for you.
Where anger is present, we sit in a cloud. I don’t believe now that it’s possible to navigate a path from anger. Having the courage to face anger, accept that it’s the driver and unpick it – is like bashing away at the cloud furiously, waiting for the wind to blow it away. Sometimes it might take a bit longer, but it’s worth it.
My brother, I love you.
