Acceptance Will Heal Your Self-Esteem
Because you can free yourself of the limitations holding you back.
We’ve all been there. We have all had the checklists in some shape or form in our lives.
The ‘diet’ checklist.
The ‘partner’ checklist.
The ‘me-looking-a-certain-way-to-feel-good-about-myself’ checklist.
The ‘job’ checklist.
The ‘in-laws’ checklist…
‘Parental-fulfilment’ checklist…
The checklists are endless. And although this might sound extreme, it’s invisible to you, because you don’t even realise you’re putting limitations on yourself.
All the time. Every day, and in different areas of your life.
I recently listened to a podcast where a relationship coach talked about how he tries to find good partner matches for the more established career woman, the ones who don’t generally get married and have kids in their 20s. The wmen who are sometimes referred to as the ones that left it late.
I found this particularly fascinating, because as a woman who was married at 28 and divorced by 31, I was by default put into this category – the latecomers, the late-ones, the ones who have less of a chance to meet their ‘perfect’ partner (who by the way doesn’t exist… and nor should they…)
Now you might be asking yourself, well how does being a single woman in your 30s connect to freeing yourself of your checklists and healing your self-esteem?
It connects for me, because it was around this time that my self-imposed checklists were at their longest. It’s hard to describe how empty you can feel when your world is falling apart around you – loss of your relationship, loss of your parent’s validation, loss of ambition to thrive at work and finding yourself in just-survive-mode.
And my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth at that time were holding onto my heart by a shoestring. No number of affirmations or acts of self-love were going to heal how I felt about myself or my life at that time.
How did my lack of self-worth manifest into my behaviours? I had completely lost the connection between my values and my actions. Does-anything-really-matter-anymore? Yes, I was self-sabotaging, but I was also in reality, undermining the value of my opportunities.
If you have low self-esteem, you might notice you’re behaving in a way that just doesn’t sit well with you, but you might also see how you’re unable to open any doors to greater goods.
“Why doesn’t anything good ever happen to me?”
“Why can’t I meet someone who wants me?”
“Why can’t I be in a job that I enjoy?”
“Why am I being pushed around at work?”
It’s funny. Because you might think that when you’re low, it’s easier to be fulfilled – but it’s the opposite. Nothing can top you up because there’s nothing to top up.
I had become so hard on myself, my inner critic was the cruelest version of me, and I couldn’t be joyful. At times, I could barely function, finding myself in automation to get through the day. My self-esteem had become worthy based on high levels of external validation and the most critical of checklists.
The most important checklist I had ignored for a long time is quite simple – the what-makes-me-joyful-and-a-bit-happier-checklist.
The only way I could get there was by accepting that my other checklists were not the priority; they wouldn’t make me happy in the long-run, and it’s not realistic. I couldn’t be this perfect version of myself that I had told myself to be. I couldn’t, for the life of me, ‘’find’ the perfect partner’. I had duped myself!
I now love me for all of me – the good Mehibe, the bad Mehibe – she’s alright in sum, and she is just another human in this world doing her best. Everything that is meaningful in my life now is based on values that help me to reconnect to higher levels of self-confidence and self-worth.
Self-kindness.
Compassion.
Patience.
Joy.
Curiosity.
Excellence (not perfectionism).
If you had asked me about my values at the age of 32, I would have blinked in disbelief – no clue. Hardworker? Driven? Ambitious? Perfectionist?
Ask me again at 35? Hardworker? Driven? Ambitious? Perfectionist?
Again at 35 after spending a few months in Barcelona, becoming an expat on my own, letting go of the checklists in London? My biggest values were self-love and joy. Joy for myself as well as prioritising myself and my needs so I could just be more attuned to myself.
How did I let go of these checklists? What is the secret?! Ooof, I’m still learning so much about how I was able to free myself of so many invisible chains – but ultimately, I was the one who had chained myself in. I don’t see myself or anyone as a victim. We can empower ourselves (of course there are other abuses of power, control which is devastating) – but we can control and importantly – DIRECT our lives.
Directing our lives doesn’t start with finding purpose, or what makes you happy, but accepting the limitations in front of you are self-inflicted or from choice.
I accepted that my checklists are from my own decisions. I acknowledged them by seeing that I gave away my power of choice to them. I allowed them to have a hold over me. They limited me – my thoughts, my beliefs, my actions.
Noone held a gun at me and said Mehibe, you have to fulfil these checklists or else!
My suffering came from my own will and once I accepted that I can truly make a difference within my own life, I realised that I had to just accept myself, accept the reality of my life and my environments and take back control.
Acceptance freed me from the checklists holding me down, and it freed up space both physically and mentally to welcome stuff into my life that made me joyful and a bit happier.
That’s not to say – checklists are bad. They can be really helpful as a sense-check, guidance or as I like to see it – it helps us to set our intentions in this so-called-life. The problem I feel is when we allow the same checklist to serve us for too long and without perspective, it can become unhelpful.
Perspective is the most underrated and under-talked-about ‘thing’. Value? Is it a value? I’d like to think so – I still haven’t seen it listed anywhere. Acceptance gives you, her, him, they, us – all of us – some well-needed perspective. And if we have perspective, we might then have the courage to face our checklists and ask the most inciteful question – Are you serving me?
Once you’re in true service to yourself, then you can truly understand what it means for you to unlock the potential opportunities to a higher level of self-worth and self-esteem.
Sounds easier said than done, but all of us have the choice to start healing our self-esteem by making more conscious decisions and values-based choices.
Sound good?
I hear you!
Welcome to your journey of acceptance… it starts with you. Be courageous and choose to accept all parts of you – the good, the bad and the ugly. Then you can let go of the checklists that don’t serve you, and maybe you’ll even find a sense clarity and inner peace.
